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HomeNL-2018-11 Perspectives

Paddling Perspectives: Your Cosmic Paddling Questions Answered
November 2018
by Kent Walters

Feel free to submit your most aggravating questions to

Q: How many rice krispy squares would I have to eat to finish a paddle with Bruce Bodson?

A: You could not put enough rice krispy squares in a kayak to generate sufficient energy to finish that paddle. Some canoes have enough capacity, but at the beginning of your trip you could not see over the top 10 rows, and navigation would be a problem. Also, you would have to eat non-stop at four times the normal rate of consumption, leaving precious little time to paddle. A more carbohydrate-dense nutritional source of energy is recommended, like whale blubber.

Q: If you are sitting quietly in a canoe in flat water and it suddenly moves 5 feet sideways, how big was the alligator?

A: It was pretty big, to be precise, but that is the wrong question. You should be asking why it pushed you instead of taking a chunk out of your boat. This might be a case of an evolutionarily challenged animal, and we should feel sorry for it.

Q: Should I try whitewater paddling?

A1: Yes.
A2: If you fervently believe everything that has ever been said about climate change, you would have died several decades ago, so why not?

Q: Where is the best place to paddle?
A1: That depends . . .
A2: The Hofsá River (inland from Saurƌárkrókur, Iceland)

Q: What are the things called that keep your shoelaces from unravelling, and would they work on my painters?

A: This is a stupid question and does not deserve an answer, so I’ll answer it: They are called aglets, and yes, they would work on your painters.

The author, Kent Walters